This past weekend, as I was driving back home from our family vacation, I had a moment.
My youngest brother was sleeping in the passenger seat, and we had just gotten back on the road after a pit-stop for some coffee.
I listened to the radio as I waited for my latte to cool and scanned my mind for answers to the question that’s been on my heart for some time.
Where is my God?
I don’t mean this question literally, and actually I don’t even mean it in the usual way (Where is God when tragedy strikes? Why doesn’t God intervene? etc.) My life is a charmed one, and in the darkest times of my life God has been clearly present.
But what about in the not-so-dark times? What about right now, when life is going my way, when I’m happy and content, when the extent of my blessings is known full well?
It’s in these times that I lose Him. It’s right now that I can’t feel His presence. I live the day to day and I thank Him for His provision and mercy; I say silent prayers as different people come to my mind…But somehow, though my mind knows He is listening, He’s not there. What am I doing, Lord, that I can’t hear your voice? What am I not doing? The frustration from a lack of answers sets in, and I lose myself to apathy and the daily routine.
But then, a moment.
I took the first sip of my tall decaf latte, and as the familiar taste filled my mouth, I felt a rush of so many memories, like I was in a hundred different places all at once. I was in London, bracing myself against the windy weather and setting out to explore for the day. I was on my way to college to start my freshman year. I was sitting at the bookstore reading magazines with my best friends. I was cozied up in the corner of my favorite college town coffee shop. I was in the back seat on a 10-hour trip to our friends’ winter wedding.
And just as the sweetness of espresso and steamed milk filled my mouth, so this wave of nostalgia filled my heart, and the combination of the two left me unable to suppress a smile.
And in that moment, when my questions ceased and I actually took in the beauty of it all, I clearly heard, “Here I am.”