Honesty

ABM_1401841478My life is kind of a mess these days. (Literally. My house is a trainwreck most of the time, complete with tracked-in mulch ALL over the carpeted stairs. Oy.) I seem to have fallen out of my usual groove, the one that’s upbeat and positive and ready to face each day. Even my mornings – typically my most favorite time of day – have been dreary, marked by me choosing the “snooze” option on my alarm 2 or 3 times each morning, which is completely out of character. I’ve been terrible at keeping in touch with even my closest friends, and I feel like I’m missing out on their lives. I told myself that I’d get better at making time for (insert: working out, studying German, catching up with said friends, making art), and I super HAVEN’T. I’ve given in to negativity, gossip, and judgement more often than I’d like to admit. My spiritual life is lukewarm on my BEST days. And all of these mix into the reality of watching my grandfather fight against stage 4 cancer. I stand in a place of uncertainty, of facing my mortality and that of the ones I love. Of realizing that my family as I know it will not last forever. Of accepting the fact that even my most constant relationships, and the people who make up my home, will change. I’m struggling to find balance and peace in all aspects of my life, both the complicated and the seemingly mundane. And through all of this, though I know that I will surely fail without Him, I push aside the One who is most important of all.

But tonight, the skies opened up and poured out love in the form of an early summer storm. I opened my windows and breathed in that calming force that is the scent of warm rain. And though I have no less confusion now than when I started writing, I at least have peace. The rain always comes when the earth needs it most. And sometimes, we need it too.

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